Screenplays / Great American Teenage Sex Comedy

FADE IN:

INT. RYAN & RAE'S APT — NIGHT

Ryan counts change from the piggy bank as Rae enters. Instantly, she knows why Ryan is counting change.

RAE

How much are we short?

RYAN

About $50.00

RAE

Shit. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Grab your coat! Santa Monica Boulevard isn't that far. Two — three blowjobs.

RYAN

Funny.

RAE

I'm not babysitting again!

RYAN

That tells me about your day. I guess the good news is that the day can only get better.

The phone RINGS. Rae grabs it.

RAE

Hello?

INTERCUT: APARTMENT / INT. HOTEL ROOM — DAY

Mr. Moore is tied spread eagle to the bed wearing bikini underwear and a bra. Cindy holds the phone to his ear.

MR. MOORE

Hello honey. How are you?

RAE

Dad? Where are you?

MR. MOORE

Paris, dear. I think. Maybe it's not. I don't know. Listen, honey.

The reason I called is that I just talked to Frank...and, well, he says that I'm a little short this month...

RAE

Dad, 'a little short' for what? You're richer than God.

MR. MOORE

I know that's what you think, dear...

While he's talking, Cindy makes an ice cream sundae on his stomach.

MR. MOORE

...but that's not true. I have an allowance, you know. And frankly, things aren't going very well lately. With the whole NAFTA thing, Daddy's not as flush as he used to be —

Chocolate is poured over the ice cream.

MR. MOORE

— and honestly, I think it's time you two make your own way in the world.

RYAN

(Listening)

What's he saying?

RAE

What are you saying, Dad?

MR. MOORE

I'm saying it's time you stood on your own two feet. Well, four feet between the two of you.

Whipped cream is next.

RYAN

(Listening)

He's cutting us off?

RAE

You're cutting us off?

MR. MOORE

Not 'cutting you off'. I'm setting you free. You're both college graduates. I'm sure something will come up. Now, Daddy's got to go now...

RAE

Dad, wait...

MR. MOORE

Daddy can't wait right now. I'll call you later. Love you. Bye.

Cindy yanks the phone away.

MR. MOORE

How was that?

A cherry plops onto the whipped cream.

MR. MOORE

Do it, baby. Do it to me.

NEW ANGLE: CINDY

...dressed as a farmer, holds a zucchini. She laughs and hits him with it.

NEW ANGLE: THE APARTMENT

The two stand in stunned silence.

RAE

We're fucked.

RYAN

No, we're not.

RAE

Ryan! We are unemployed! We are broke and we are cut off.

RYAN

Don't forget disheartened, overeducated and stressed out.

RAE

Ryan!

RYAN

Rae! You've neglected to mention our ace-in-the-hole.

RAE

No, Ryan—

RYAN

——Rae, listen—

RAE

——we promised we wouldn't do this.

RYAN

Desperate times calls for desperate measures.